The STOP Skill: How to Pause Before Reacting
Okay, so here’s the elephant in the room…and it’s wearing a neon red stop sign.
Let's address the obvious: the STOP skill in DBT might initially seem like an oversimplified solution to complex emotional challenges. It's easy to be skeptical about its effectiveness. However, once we move past this initial reaction, we discover that skills don’t have to be complex in order for them to be effective. The STOP skill is one of DBT’s distress tolerance tools designed to help us navigate crises without exacerbating the situation. It's a strategic approach to managing intense emotions and impulsive behaviors. Let’s take a look at what this skill is all about and how significant it can be.
The Skill:
S - Stop: Red light! Freeze from acting on the urge even if it’s for 60 seconds.
T - Take a step back: Yellow light. Breathe and create some distance.
O - Observe: Look both ways. What's going on here? Use all your senses to notice what’s going on right now.
P - Proceed mindfully: Green light, and proceed intentionally.
Of course, we want to stop from acting on the behaviors that are getting in the way of the life we want to live. We’re not saying this is easy. We’re saying that DBT gives us the profound reminder that when we feel like we’re on fire–one of the most effective actions we can take is to step away. We can react by creating as much distance between what lit the fire and our urge to stomp fervently on the flames. Okay, I think the metaphor is escaping me. Here’s a final point, did you notice that stop isn’t just stop? It’s a 4 step dance. Red light– yellow light–look–proceed.
STOP in Action:
You're in a heated argument with your partner. Your anger is escalating, and you feel the urge to scream a couple of colorful, hurtful words.
Stop: Red light! Recognize the escalation, take a pause when the anger reaches a level 7 intensity.
Take a step back: You can physically take a step back to shift away from the moment. Pause mid sentence and move to another room. Give yourself space!
Observe: Notice the tension in your chest, and breathe into it. Notice your clenched jaw, racing thoughts, and how everything feels like it's on 2x the speed. Tip! Notice without judging it as bad.
Proceed mindfully: Unclench, let the thoughts pass, and settle into stillness. After you find a moment of calm and you’re back at normal speed, consider what next action aligns most with your values.
This skill is like having an internal traffic light system: red for stopping, yellow for caution, and green for mindful action. We’re reminded that even when we feel emotionally overwhelmed, we have the capacity to pause, assess, and choose our response. By practicing STOP, we cultivate the ability to respond rather than react.
Reference:
Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT® skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
